Whirlwind....

Just my luck. You know, I heard once that God was a great comedian, and I am certainly beginning to think that He is, although, to me, he isn't being so funny! I'll start at the beginning:

Last week I went to see my endo again. It was a great visit and he really is such a wonderful man! Of course, we couldn't do very much until we got my numbers in. I set up an appointment to see the diabetes educator on the morning after we got back from our Christmas visits. I had done really well for the two weeks prior and I did pretty well for the week or so after. Well, I did well until "Christmas vacation". So I didn't really check or do much except randomly bolus for food during the vacation period, which ended yesterday.

During the 5 hour drive back home, my endo called with my results. My A1c was 11.1, which was not at all surprising to me. It will at least give me a starting point. Then he said that my kidneys were still ok, my thyroid good, and that my cholesterol was spectacular. Apparently my good cholesterol is 20 points higher than my bad, which is like 1 in a million! He said if my sugars get under control, I could live to be 100! That was great news to me!

Well, this morning was our visit with the diabetes educator. My husband wanted to come along, which I was very happy with. He is so eager to learn and it makes me feel so special and blessed to have him! Well, about five minutes before we left, my pump started beeping. 09: Technical Inspection Due. GREAT!! That means that you need to send your pump in for it's inspection. Bad thing is is that, they don't MAKE my pumps anymore, and therefore do not inspect them. They originally send two, and this had already happened with my "backup". I haven't been on shots for 6 years or so, and even when I was, I wasn't controlled. I don't remember anything about it! Nothing. I think I just blocked it all out to be honest, haha! Well, at least we were going to the clinic anyway. But God's little timing wasn't very funny to me. I mean, I KNOW this is a good thing. I know this will be wonderful. I know that it is more than likely EXACTLY what I need right now, but I just don't care. I am mad and frustrated and angry. This means that I will actually have to ACT like I have diabetes. I don't feel ready. I don't feel like I can yet. But I suppose I will have to. And I will. And I will do great. And I will be fine. I guess I am just scared right now that I can't do it. I am afraid I won't be able to make it. I suppose there is a tad of perfectionism in me that doesn't like to be let down. If I can't do it perfectly, why try. I know that is a very flawed argument and it doesn't even make much sense, but sometimes how we feel isn't logical. So, for now I am on 30 units of Lantus every morning and a unit of humalog for every 15 carbs, and of course a sliding scale. I have no idea how this is going to work in my body, but I guess that is what I need to figure out at this point. I am starting over. I am like I am newly diagnosed, except I KNOW what I am getting into and I have a lot of OLD information in my head to get in the way. I also know all of the tricks and the gimmicks. Oh life. God really isn't that funny...but I suppose he knows what he is doing. Ironic? I don't think so...

Catch Up

It has been a few days, so I will catch everyone up to how I am doing. This week I am doing pretty well! Last weekend, not so much. I kind of went back to my old routine of not really checking very much and forgetting to bolus. But the good news is that I snapped out of it when the week came and I am back on track. Before, I would have completely just slipped back into denial, but not this time! I figure if I can just keep going and forcing myself to make it one second at a time, then one day that will add up to a lifetime! :~)

Thank you everyone for your support. It has meant so much to me. I am also open for anyone else's frustrations, too. Just leave a comment or send me an email. I promise, I completely understand, even if our situations are different!

This holiday season will be a true test of my will power and dedication. Here is to hoping that I make it through!

and here come the lows...

Well, after I changed my site last night (at like 8, I know I know), my insulin has been working just great. It was around 100 this morning, but then at about 10 am I felt low so checked and it was 54. I unplugged and drank 1/2 can of coke. Since I am not used to treating lows anymore, I wanted to make sure I hadn't over treated so checked again around 11:30 and it was around 80! Phew, good. Well, then I got low again and it was 65, so I drank the rest of the coke at around 1:20 (I eat a late lunch). When I got back to work I checked and it was 101. So now I am eating my sandwhich, hoping that the sandwhich kicks in before my humolog!! I suppose for now, I would prefer that it be on the low side rather than the high side so my body can at least get somewhat regulated. I expected being low, anyway, since my pump is calibrated to give me more insulin than I need since my bs ran higher when I wasn't in control.

Questions:
For those of you on pumps, do you find that your meal schedule is a lot more flexible, or do you still have to eat at about the same time everyday? I thought that with the pump, you couuld pretty much eat when you wanted?? Is that true?

Why do lows make me want to eat everything in sight!?! Is it as hard a struggle for you to just eat what you need when low instead of EVERYTHING...and lots of it!?!

Doctor's Appointment Scheduled!!

Thanks to the most fabulous Ms. MollyJade (who commented on my tudiabetes page: http://www.tudiabetes.com/profile/ThisismySOS), I now have an appointment scheduled with my endo. I thought (and secretly hoped) that it would be a while before I could get in, but I took the first available, which is Dec. 18!! Only TWO WEEKS! Plenty enough time for me to at least get some sugars recorded for him to look at. I suppose I should just do it now so I can see how bad my A1C really is. If I am going to do this, I need to do it right and this is one of the first major steps!! If it wasn't for Mollyjade, who knows how long I would have pushed this off. I probably would have delayed it until after a I had a downward spiral and then gave up...It is so much easier to hear "you need to go" from someone who understands, rather than from a nagging parent!! I have been so happy these past few days that I have been almost brought to tears. I just never imagined I could find support like this. I don't know what took me so long to find it as it is! I can so do this!! :~D

Frustrations!!

I am so frustrated!! My blood sugar has been high all day yesterday and this morning. I am taking the right amount of insulin and haven't even eaten all that much. It has not been below like 240. It was 289 just now. Usually when I start to take care of myself again, it is contantly low due to my insulin pump being calibrated too high for what I take. So why isn't it low now?? Maybe I need to change my pump site tonight when I get home from work and see if that helps.

Things are good now...but why??

Sadly, I think I know why I have been doing as well as I have for the past few days. Disclaimer: "Well" here means checking, not having things under control. I think it is because my blood sugar has been in the 250s lately, and therefore, that horrible bloated and "fat" feeling I get has not yet occurred. I think once my blood sugar is truly controlled, I will start to feel the pressure. I hope I am doing well because I have so much support, but I know myself and am afraid that I am going to slip again. I know I can do it, but for some reason I am just so afraid. I don't even know what I am afraid of. Maybe it is the hard work, the feeling that my diabetes is going to control me, maybe it is the "ugly" feeling I get when everything is the way it is supposed to be. But I know that is just temporary, right? I know that if I can manage everything, including my food and exercise, then my weight will regulate and I will feel great, right? I just don't know if I have the patience or self discipline to get to that place. I always give up first. I am so determined not to give up, but I have been through this so many times before. I haven't made it yet. But why? I have a great life and so much to live for, so why isn't that enough to make me just snap into place and just do it! Why isn't it just that easy? Shouldn't it be? Shouldn't it be easy to feel good and healthy and ALIVE!?! So what is wrong with me? Why isn't it easy for me? I struggle so much and have for so long. It is so deep rooted. The feeling that it isn't fair and why me. I am so scared that my life has been destroyed by what I have done in the past that for a long time I never even thought about my future. Ever. I didn't dream of my wedding because I didn't think I would make it that far. But I did. Now I cry when I even try to dream about my kids because I am afraid I won't ever be able to have them. I know all I can do is start now, but even that doesn't get me going. It is like when my blood sugar is high I am numb to the fear and the pain. I don't think about it. It is only when I start to get well that it all sinks in. Well I would rather not think about it and so I just go back to that unhealthy place, but I am tired of doing that. I also get very moody when I start to do well because I put on all of the weight that didn't exist when I was living in my denial. The fluids come back and so do the pounds and I hate myself then. Hate it. And so I get moody and grumpy and no one understands why. I don't understand why. I should feel GOOD and positive. But I don't. I can't stand it. So, I give up on myself. How do I stop? I can do it for a little while, but I know the day is going to come...probably around Christmas or so when I have to see family, etc. when I am going to decide that it is best to just not take care of myself rather than being grumpy and fat. I just feel so lonely in this and I don't know what to do. I promised to be honest on here, so that is what I am going to do, even though it makes me sound like a crazy person. I am tired of hiding, though. So tired. That hasn't worked, so I guess it is time to bear it all in the open and try something new. I am just afraid that I will want to start lying to myself and you all as well. That I will become ashamed of how I truly feel and of who I really am, too, I guess. I am determined not to do that. I have to be honest with myself, and with you, too. So I will. As my original name indicated (when I was still ashamed to reveal my true identity) this is my SOS. What good would it be if I start lying now...

What a weekend it was!

This weekend wasn't the best on record, but I think the fact that I am actually recording my sugars says a lot!! I swam at around 250ish pretty consistently, beginning Saturday. This is likely due to the LSU Game Watching Party we went to, and maybe the mint oreos and cookie cake... I don't buy that stuff for a reason, but when I am faced with it, it sure is hard to turn it down. I feel like now that I can have this stuff, that I am not going to say no to it. I need to keep in mind that I can find oreos, cookie cake, fast food, and everything else I have ever dreamed of on just about any corner in America, so saying no to them a few times certainly will not break me, and it might even make me stronger!!

I have checked my blood sugar about 5-6 times everyday so far, which is pretty amazing for me, if I do say so myself. I am pretty proud. I am trying not to get too discouraged when my BS is high, though. The discouraging feeling I get is one of the causes of me stopping. I don't like to feel bad about myself, so I just stop keeping track. I am trying to take the idea that it is just a number that will help me to gauge what steps I should take. It will be high, and that is ok. It will just help me to better determine what I need to do next time. Messing up isn't failing and as long as I am alive to check my BS, then I haven't failed out ;~)

I think that is all for now...I know, such an exciting update, right...but I think if I stop now, just because I don't have anything exciting to stay, then I might stop altogether, and I think if I do that, well...I might just stop taking care of myself again, too. I still feel good though. I feel like I can do this. I think a switch in my brain flipped and I am taking the matter of fact approach. Fact: I have diabetes. Fact: I HAVE to do this. Fact: I need to just suck it up and stop wasting time. So...that's what I am doing, one minute at a time.

Oh, and again GO TIGERS!!! We're goin' to the 'Ship!!! :~)

Am I supposed to know when I am high??

Well, so far things have been really well. I have been trying not to be TOO strict, for fear that I will just give up...and so far, it worked. Well today my husband and I went to a little football party so I was not especially on my own game. It was fun, but when I got home, my BS was 512. Yikes. It is amazes me how that doesn't really phase me, though. I don't feel sick or anything. I mean, maybe a little tired, but nothing else. Shouldn't I be throwing up and completely ill?? Nope, not I. I mean, do other people have that same reaction or is it just me?? How do "normal" diabetics feel when their blood sugar is that high??? Should that even concern me? I mean, I took my insulin and I know it will go down, but should I have felt that it was shooting up?? Oh well. I know that some day soon when my blood sugar hits 300, I will immediately know it, right? or is that just an illusion I have in my mind. I honestly just don't even remember anymore.

Oh, and GO TIGERS!! :~)

Day 3

So far, things have been much easier than I thought they would be. I think having this outlet has been the difference. I know it is still early, and I do expect some goof ups and some down days, but right now I am feeling very positive about this entire journey to recovery. I think once my body starts to gain more weight, though, I will begin to get much more discouraged. When I am feeling down about myself, I don't seem to want to fight so hard.

Yesterday was a good day, until I went to eat at a restaurant. But to be honest, even then it wasn't too bad. I got home and my BS was in the 300s, so I took insulin and then before bed again, it was in the 300s, so I took more. Well just now it was 116, so it worked. (Although I SHOULD have checked it in the middle of the night to make sure it was ok, oh well, next time).

Of course, I didn't schedule an appointment yet, but I am getting there. I am just not quite ready.

Day 2

Why is it that "doing well" for me means feeling like crap all the time? Isn't taking care of yourself supposed to make you feel good and energized and happy? Not for me. Since I have been so out of control for so long, my body has been dehydrated and to some extent rather weak for many years. The horrible feeling of recovery is usually what stops me from following through with doing well. My body is rehydrating, which means I gain like 10 pounds in a week and become quite bloated. Most people look at me like I am sick and ask whether I am ok or feeling bad or tell me how exhausted I look. My eyes get puffy and I just feel so heavy and I also get quite moody as a result. That does wonders for my self esteem and my attempt to do well...so after a week or so, I usually just give up and go back to not taking care of myself. I actually FEEL better sick, and I look better, too. So I just slip back into denial and not dealing with the truth of my life. I am good at that. Damn good.

Heck, I am only on day 2, so who knows what will happen this time. But I intend to keep you updated, and to keep ME honest. If I falter, I can't just hide in a corner. I will announce it to the world and try again. This motivation is always how I start out...but I have only gained about 5 pounds of fluid so far...

And the lows. The lows certainly don't help me to keep off those unwanted pounds. The calories that I take in because my pump is not calibrated correctly are enormous, and discourage me even more. Last time I had a doctor look at my pump was so long ago, and I was always high because I wasn't doing what I needed to, so the amount of insulin I am getting is way more than I need. Of course, I want to get a lot of "good readings" before I go to the doctor to get it set up correctly. Oh, the excuses...

Goal for the day: Make Dr.'s appointment. Heck it will probably take 3 months to get in anyway...

Now lets see if I can follow through, or whether the fear will get in the way.

This is my SOS.

I suppose I should begin by introducing myself. I am a 26 year old newly wed. I just graduated from law school and have just begun a job that I hope to someday love. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was 9. At that time, things were strict, and by that I mean that I was not able to eat one extra grape nor 15 minutes out of my designated time frame. I hated birthday parties and Halloween. I was very well controlled for a while, thanks to Mom.

Then I faltered...and began a very long journey to very very poor control, for reasons that I shall not go into, as to not encourage such poor behavior. Let's just say I was too smart for my own good. I switched doctors probably 6 times in less years. No one wanted me. They couldn't figure me out. I was in and out of the hospital almost 15 times in about 4 years...actually, probably closer to around 20. The day I would get out was the day I would stop taking my insulin again. Our insurance almost dropped us. My mom asked me once when I was in high school to please at least wait until after the New Year to go back in ICU... So I stopped going to doctors once I hit college. There were times when I did really well, but most of the past fifteen years I have spent swimming in A1c's that average around 10...or more. A 300 blood sugar (when I checked every 6 months or so) didn't seem that bad; to be quite honest, neither did a HI. Finally some reluctant Dr. put me on the pump. I went only long enough to get that taken care of. The first Dr. who ordered the pump for me decided I wasn't ready. So I had it in my attic for almost 6 years. I must say, though, it is a lifesaver.

I have encountered a LOT of really bad diabetes educators and doctors who did nothing but discourage me and reprimand me. They compared me to "Good diabetics" and asked me why I couldn't just take care of myself. One compared me to her diabetic husband. He was diagnosed at 30 and was a "perfect diabetic". I was nine when I was diagnosed, and as she could tell, was far from perfect. I don't need to be compared to others. I need help getting to that place. Why would I go back to them? Like I said, I am highly educated and certainly not stupid. I know its bad. I just need someone with patience to help me get back on track...What I now realize, is that I am the ONLY person who can get me back on track.

What I lacked as a child was a support group for ME. Mom had one. She loved it. It was nice for her to talk to other Moms about how to "deal" with their diabetic children. However, I don't need someoen to DEAL with me. I need someone to be there for me so that I can talk things through and process them. Someone to share their own experiences and encourage me when I was down. I tried to start one of my own, but of course that didn't work. I was in high school. I recently went to a Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF) support group where I live. It was more of the same. Lots of Moms with their children. The children play and the Moms sit around and got tips on how to "deal" with their children. I need something for ME. I am 26. I neither want to play with 5 year olds nor feel pity for the Moms. I want to talk to someone with my own experiences. I want encouragement, because quite honestly, I am scared shitless. Terrified of what the future leads. I never used to think I HAD a future...but I really really want one. I now have a husband, and I hope to have a family. I BIG one. Who knows if I can? Terrified. So, I tried to encourage the local JDRF chapter to start a young adult support group. I told them I would be in charge of it. I told them more than once. It has been 6 months since I first brought up the idea and still no response. Of course, they are mostly Mothers...

So, that is why I am here. I need help. I need to get on track. I NEED to go to the Doctor. I don't even care if anyone reads this. I will pretend that people do and that they need me to do well, also. That whoever is reading this needs that little bit of encouragement. I will pretend that we will do it together. I am starting now. (Actually yesterday). I checked my blood sugar 4 times...most were not good. But today was better. We have to start somewhere, right? I want this to be an open forum, but I dont' mind talking to myself, either. As my name suggests...this is my SOS.

You can email me or chat with me at this.is.my.sos@gmail.com